51% and how it can seem daunting.

51% of the time I’m going to win vs the bully that’s been created through circumstances beyond my control. This was my promise to myself. That promise means that I will not give into my anxiety, self destruction, and my inner critic. I instead will fight back by telling myself I am worth it, I can do “this”, and that it is not impossible. I don’t believe I understood the task I was putting before myself.

Let’s use a thirty day month as the example. 51% would be 15 days and 13 hours in my mind. What if before hand I was only winning 10% of the time or 3 days? Well now I want to multiply that by 5, and I want that to be permanent not just a desire.

If you’ve been here you probably know how this goes. I start off by saying I’ll win 100% because that’s my actual goal. I’ll run through all of the thoughts and every obstacle to achieve even the smallest form of my goal. Yet that gasoline runs out, it would for anyone. Especially someone like myself who has no understanding of how to recharge.

The idea behind what I wanted to do was start tackling life 51% of the time and give into my comfort level 49% as a way of processing whatever issues need to be processed to be able to function 51% of the time. I failed in that endeavor. That’s okay. Yet it feels like it’s not. My 49% made me take a job I could not do. My 49% caught up with me and took my choices and control of my life from me. That 49% which I call my internal bully caused me to be overwhelmed and that’s okay.

So I want to have a new goal. I want to instead recognize when I need to indulge in my bully to feel comfortable. I want to do this so that I can succeed that 51% that I speak of, because I know it’s possible. I know that I have the ability to, and I know that I am worth the effort that I want to put into myself.

You are worth the same effort. Thank you for reading this, and remember one thing. You’ve made it this far reading my journey. My journey is my own but yours does not have to be different or the same. You have the power to defeat your own demons just like I will defeat mine. 51% at a time.

Thanks for reading. Make sure to follow, in inconsistent about writing, that might change someday. For now to keep up that’s the best way.

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