I’m a victim, because I didn’t get what I wanted.

                I want to challenge my definition of being a victim. I want to challenge it by expanding it to include taking offense to language or actions of others that are already expected. I’m tired of being told that if I reach out, I can change the perception of the other person and as long as I can reach them, they will understand me. After a long talk with my mother yesterday she helped me understand the word victim in a much different light. So, I want to be a victim, I want to sit in my chair all day and bitch and moan about how it sucks to not be able to reach others. I also want to bitch about how the level of enjoyment that I perceive could be had from all parties involved would be that much better if everyone was on the same page and could understand how I see things. I guess I want to bitch about the human condition.

                Everything I wrote is an excuse to give up on my plan from yesterday. I can easily take my life today and say I don’t love myself; I don’t love my Autism, I don’t love the fact that my body aches after I put so much work into things, and I don’t love the effects it has on my body. Yet I sit here, trying to write this for hours, my pain level, my disappointment in multiple people that are in my family, and my desire for things to be different, all kept me from writing. Yet I was the one who was childish in a sense to expect that the moment I choose to do something different and make a choice that is healthy for me everyone would be on board.

That thought has me thinking, instead of going back to the dark places I’m going to choose instead to think that it is the people that were on board, that did champion my choices, and desired to join me on that adventure were the ones that I needed, the rest, can come along when they choose to. Christmas for me was a gift to myself, and to others that needed the gift I gave. That is the perception I will have, and the way that I desire to see things that happened on my Christmas. Reality doesn’t even have to be changed to be able to perceive it that way, a key to unlocking better days I feel.

I want to clarify here that reality and perception can be the same thing, and completely different at the exact same time. It is something that my girlfriend has taught me well as I have traversed my last five years. All I’m going to do to change my thoughts and feel better is change the language I’m using to justify the actions that were taken. I’m not going to accept those actions or take anyone’s ability to make choices away from them. I am not creating a fantasy world, nor am I making something up to change how I feel. My body still hurts, my heart still hurts, my mind is still foggy, I’m still overwhelmed, and I am still autistic. Yet today I’ve decided I don’t want to be a victim.

If I were to feel offended when reacting to another person’s actions and put so much emotional weight onto that offensive feeling that I cannot act, then am I any better than being a victim myself? I now have an image of one lane blocked on a road of a six-lane highway, and if I acted the way I am explaining, I would be standing at the blockage, saying I cannot do anything today.

So much more to say, but it is born from anxiety that I did not communicate properly that I have that feeling. Thank you for reading. Choose to have a good day for yourself and others.

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