What drives you to get up in the morning. What makes that important? These aren’t thoughts you’ve probably had to take years to create or even entertain in a way that allows you to know them in moments of vulnerability. That’s where you and I differ if you have not taken that journey. The difference is that I am on that journey right now. The day before Christmas I found myself saying something profound in a way that I didn’t expect to be able to, and the expectation that I set upon myself was a part of the prison that keeps me from writing. That saying being that today is a good day, I don’t know why it is a good day, but today is a good day.
It was a radical thing for me to say it was good day because I was tired, in fact I’m mentally in a place that I’m ready to face the world, while I feel horrible, I feel drained. If I could paint an image in your mind of the person that I see when imaging myself it would be a person with anvils on their shoulder, and a heavy tar covering their upper body restricting their movement. I would want to add to that image if I could, and it would take away from this moment.
As I am supposed to use this as fifteen minutes of processing a day, I am going to choose today to do that now, which is why we’re going to jump around. I still have the question that I wanted to ask stuck in my head from the beginning of this blog even though it organically flowed into an explanation of the image that I was presenting myself with of today. That question being “How do you choose that today no matter how you feel, is going to be okay?” This is a question that I imagine has stumped millions daily. I imagine there are more people that ask this type of question everyday than I would ever be able to communicate with on a fundamental level that allows me to understand their point of view, and them understand mine in my lifetime. As such I sit here asking that question, how can I choose an arbitrary time to just be okay. That I feel like is the key to a lot of things in my life that I do not know how to deal with right now.
For an example, I have multiple different conversations I want to have in my head. Another break in easy flow of this blog is happening here because I just had a thought and I feel it’s important.
Is it the power that language is given in the conditioned mind? That very same mind that I talk about everyday deflects, disassociates, and protects from trauma, but can it also induce that very same thing by allowing me to create a picture through words? I think because I live in a world of anxiety and anxiety induced trauma led by conditioning that it can be easily seen how it’s tough. Hell if we talk about Autism and it’s affects on my life I’m still trying to understand them. Yet does that potentially give a diagnosis more power over my life? At this moment in time I do not know, and I have to think on it, probably tomorrow when I have the strength to write.