A Preface that I feel is important, at no time am I speaking only in the sense of autism, if you relate to these issues you do not have to be autistic to understand the autistic mind through the images that I am relating, I am only speaking this way because I am autistic.
I do not know what trauma really does to the brain but let’s take a moment to engage with the idea that it can be assumed that trauma can be completely understood. I believe I have to write this blog post today at this particular time because I need to process something, and I believe that the something that I need to process is related directly to the trauma that I have experienced throughout my life. No matter if that trauma has been inflicted upon me or traumatic because of things that I have caused to happen myself. Why that belief is so powerful is the premise of the discussion I want to have at this moment when engaging with the idea that trauma can be completely understood. It is with that premise and context that I believe I have the ability to properly detail in this blog post that will hopefully help myself process what I feel I need to, while also explaining the documented difficulty of understanding trauma in the autistic mind.
When attempting to read this through what I consider to be a neurotypical context I find that the introduction to this might seem very vague so I will not attempt to clarify as to why I chose to write this as such. First, I would like to cover the distinction between trauma’s and what I view trauma in the autistic mind. To me there’s innumerable types of trauma. This is not as complex as it can sound. Can you imagine your mind not being within your control, if you can, would that cause you to fear it? That is a type of trauma. That type of trauma is not the same as abuse. That is not to say that it cannot be related to abuse, or stem from abuse, but it is not the exact same type of trauma as abuse to me. These two types of trauma do not directly relate but can amplify environmental trauma. An extreme example would be a headache after staring at the sun for too long, that is an example of environmental overload, this is something that can happen to an autistic person due to overstimulation. I’ll bet you do not experience it all the time though as an autistic person can. This is another type of trauma, yet if you have been told because of abuse, or experienced overstimulation and now fear it, it can be exacerbated and most likely will be.
So now that we have a basic understanding of trauma, let’s talk about what I am trying to process. Can trauma be cured? Can trauma be understood? Can the mind of a traumatized individual no matter if the trauma is externally inflicted, environmentally inflicted, or internally inflicted be a semblance of healthy someday? I want to say yes but being stuck in the moment I cannot find the way out. This is what I need to process and why I felt the need to write this blog post. Though is it really a blog post or just a diary that will be read by a few individuals that share a like minded understanding and move on. Those are questions that are fueled by trauma, which is what keeps me up at night as I try to figure out what to do with these thoughts.
I made a post not that long ago about anxiety and how it was a recursive loop. This post was titled “I don’t know who needs to hear this but…”. I find it ironic that I now need a post but more importantly I need a way off the tracks of anxiety. The way off the track that I need though is not something that I normally find, which is either exhaustion or a form of mania, so while this may seem like I am desperate in the normal sense of desperation I am not desperate. I am tired, tired of doing the same thing over and over repeatedly, while trying to find a way off the track of anxiety. The best way I can find to do that would be to list my anxiety and explain its recursive loop.
Listing my anxiety comes as easily as sleep does in these moments. This is especially true of the trigger point of my anxiety. I want to say my trigger point is the grocery store yesterday, but maybe that trigger point has subsided and now I’m chasing the anxious reaction I felt when not waking up properly this morning. Maybe its none of them and the real reason I’m anxious is because I’m supposed to get up in four and a half hours. Any of these things could be the trigger point, but I feel like I need to find it, thus I give into the recursive loop of anxiety. Here lies the autistic minds trap. Fix it by finding the origin point and everything will be okay as long as I can figure out the reason its happening and either solve the problem or lay fault upon the actions that allowed me to act the way I am acting no matter what my intention happens to be when any type of action is taken. Long sentence but bolded for a reason. Can you imagine chasing that logical fallacy? I can because I do every day, not by choice, but by autism.
To end this post, I would like to say that this does not have to be your mindset, it is mine, and it is changing. I processed what I needed to in that bolded sentence, I turned off my rap music, I turned off the game in the background and I said enough is enough. Does this mean that I will not give into the anxiety in the future? Not even close, it means I might give in more depending upon the issue that I am working through. This time I chose not to be the victim of my anxiety. I turned on some calming white noise to end this post, and I understand it might be hard to follow this mess of a post. I can tell you without a doubt though that if you look at this with an open mind, with only a desire to understand anxiety through the autistic mind a clearer picture will present itself than you had prior to opening this blog post.
Thank you for making it this far, check out the rest of my blogs as I doubt I will ever be able to cover every single topic I wish to cover, but I find them all important.