I want to take a moment and preface this blog because it is very important, it is so important that it is for you, it is for me. Moments of clarity for me a frequently take a turn of negativity so I will instead write it down hopefully and attempt to explain the difficulties of my life. Specifically, I want to discuss the anxiety and stress that comes with waking up and upon taking my first breath I never will feel the emotional satisfaction that comes along with knowing that I have the ability to take care of my family. I do not say this because I am not cognitively hopeful that it will happen, nor do I say this because I believe that I will be unable to change this, I say this because of the thoughts that roll around in my skull. So, let me detail them now because as I said above, this blog isn’t for you, it’s for me.
My negative thoughts go something like this. “You want to stream games on a schedule, but cannot keep a schedule because of anxiety, why would you expect to keep a schedule for anything?” This spirals into thoughts such as, “Sleep is so damn important to keeping my mind healthy and not losing my mind but now what do I do when I cannot sleep because of anxiety. If I take the anxiety medication it will cause me to at some point become more anxious when my senses become dulled to the level of anxiety I have now.”. All of this focuses on one thing and causes me the inability to rest or act, I become stuck inside my own head in a way that I cannot relay to anyone because it just doesn’t exist for others. These thoughts are literally laid out the best possible way I an express them at this moment in time and are probably as confusing for you as they would be for me to answer inside my own head.
So why am I writing this in a blog. I recently added many to my Facebook friends list where I market this blog. So, I can say that anxiety stopped me from writing because I would have to market on my Facebook. I stopped marketing this blog and doing anything with it because of school, or so I thought that was the reason, realistically nothing is ever that simple. When faced with change, some form of stress would arise for anyone of course, but that’s not true for me. When faced with change for me, I become a problem inside of my own head. The type of problem I’m communicating might seem unrealistic but take a moment and read the rest of my blog if it doesn’t make sense.
At the moment we’re talking about stress and change every single person I meet or communicate with in any way is more intelligent than me in my mind at that moment so I must listen to anyone that has the answer to my stress or anxiety, because I cannot trust my own mind. No matter how much I am spouting out the right choices I cannot make a choice. I do not trust myself at all to make said choices. The part that pauses me the most recently is the self awareness of such a thing, I run through thoughts such as “Could my frozen state be PTSD?, Autism?, Anxiety?, ADHD?, some undiagnosed mental illness?, is it some form of imposter syndrome taking over my mind?” what does not go through my head that really should, “Why does it matter, I need to do something.”
I can think those thoughts for anyone else, I can even take charge in those moments, but for me no matter what the issue is, I cannot trust myself to do it. It’s not my fault I cannot trust myself, I don’t know whose the blame, I don’t know whose to fault, all I do know is that I cannot trust myself to do such things, and that is why you’re reading a blog that is not intended for you. It is intended for me the writer. I know that I have zero self esteem while I’m too scared to do anything, and I cannot have anyone do it for me it would be simple and easy if I could.
Even now, my grammar mistakes and my writing concerns me because I do not want to post this because there’s nothing, I can achieve from putting out shitty work. That is the thoughts I entertain while my moment of clarity fades, the moment that led me to writing this. So before I run away because I am too afraid to write, I shall post this blog, reread it, and learn the lesson that this moment of clarity wishes to teach me.
I too am wondering what it is.