Autistic Blogger apologizes for you

I received a phone call today from my psychiatrist. This person has not contacted me out of the blue in quite some time, and the reason that he did last time was because I was in the process of applying for help at school and needed information from either him or my therapist. His phone call threw off my day off sure, but it wasn’t that he called, see he is a good person and has communicated with me about the issues that I am processing on a daily basis, we’ve discussed my medications and the goals I have. Yet the reason he called is what threw me off.

I have an insurance company that I doubt understands why I’m on the medications that I am on, or what autism is at all, and recently they decided to do an assessment for care because of my diagnosis of Autism. So, when I get on the call I am a soft spoken well spoken nervous wreck. This alarmed everyone and because we used Zoom I could be seen. Being seen made it all better because the physical reaction of what was going on could be seen while also hearing what I was saying. I figured this was a slam dunk they would understand and I would be able to communicate what is going on. The truth always wins out is the way I feel like life works, and I tried to act like that during this meeting. Yet apparently that’s not true for everyone else.

On this interview with two people, one person called a “trainer” which is really the person who decided to watch my physical actions, also known as the insurances “quality control annoyance”, and the other who is the interviewer asking me questions. The interviewer, I probably will never remember her outside of what her name is, because she wasn’t concerned with anything but doing her job, the “trainer” well she’ll be remember. About halfway through the assessment I was accused of lying about the reactions that I am having for a mental breakdown of an autistic form. I wasn’t accused by  a callout that allowed me to express a misunderstanding, no I was called out the same way that I have been called out my entire life. “Mr. Autistic, you do understand what we’re looking for during this assessment right? The things we are discussing seem to be mainly mental, and we are attempting to understand the physical issues.”. If anyone whose Autistic just felt a slap to the face, the same slap that happens all the time because you can do the job or the school work, or whatever the task is, until you get to a safe place that allows you to have a reaction, I have a message for you.

I apologize for that women, her inability to see things without physical proof, her inability to understand that autistic people do not care about the social dynamics of proof meaning a physical manifestation of distress. I apologize for every single person that looks at you, and asks you to apologize for their emotional discomfort. I apologize for every single one of the people that continues to make it unsafe to be inside of your own head.

To everyone else, unable to understand. I apologize for our inability to help you understand and the fact that it puts you in an uncomfortable place making it impossible for you to see a human being in-front of you that needs care, as much as you do.

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