I am sitting downstairs at four in the morning writing this because I have been terrified all day. I have been trying to understand what is going to happen in the world because after I wrote about the despair that I was feeling I had to face that despair. I had the ability to face that despair when I put it into words. Rolling those words around my head I found that I was still terrified, there is so many uncertainties that exist in this world I am not prepared for, let us talk about the most important ones.
Before getting into the details I need to preface something. If you have read my blogs before you may have heard about my memory. It is linked to my emotional state and is more of a fluid thing than I like it to be. I don’t know why this is but it offers a plethora of benefits and curses both at the same time. Why this is important will illuminate itself during my discussion.
I have spent the last week nightly watching a twitch stream that gave me a in person account of what was going on at the protests in my country. I do this because I want to be informed. To the end of being informed I have notifications for the news, I have read books, and I have studied history yet I have not done these things nearly enough to prepare me for what I seen. My Uncle is a veteran. He is also a corrections officer. I have family that has guns in their home. I have family that do not think too kindly of anything that is not, I do not have a better phrase for it but rural white America. That does not make those people bad by any means. I also have family that is one hundred percent on the other side of the spectrum, those family members are protesting or lending their efforts to the fight right now. Yet I am angry at their society because, well to be as clear as possible, where do I lie on that spectrum of society?
When watching the protests this last week I did not feel outraged because the protestors were protesting. I did not feel outraged over the police literally inciting riots. I did not feel outrage over the President acting like the child in chief that he has been portraying for the last three years. I felt outrage because I was just finding my legs in what I considered to be the society that I was watching burn to the ground because of tension that has been building for quite some time, but now a virus brought the gun powder. Finding my part in your society was so important to me because I had my other part stolen from me before I was even born by people who did not understand what was going on in my head, and some of those people never cared. If you want to know more about that, you should read the rest of my blogs. Writing my last blog made me put my words to my fear.
Now why do I say in the title I have decided that I like my Autism today. Well that is really the most important part of my life, because I make that decision a lot, I just do not realize it. After a day of feeling terrified because of something I was able to communicate I found myself frustrated with the amount of information that I was being bombarded with, so I shut down and slept until 6pm. During that time I received a message from my mother that I responded to in my sleep, something that actually related to my current predicament. Yet I still slept and I needed the rest. When I woke up, the world was still here. My girlfriend was not angry at me. I was too emotionally exhausted to be angry at myself for sleeping. Most importantly, the Entire World was still here.
Some people probably died, they were probably replaced with babies. Yet I woke up, and I am still here. I still immediately searched to see what happened while I slept, there was a bit of panic in my mind. I even was frustrated because my diet has gone to shit and I have gained weight recently, mainly because of emotionally filling the void with food, yet that has been addressed and will be addressed in the future. Yet the world was still here even during all of my frustration.
Oh my I’m getting wordy now, I can feel the anxiety starting to well up as I get to the second page. I might have lost you my reader by this point. If I have not I should probably hurry it up, less details, more concise information. I can even feel the anxiety induced thoughts to get my point across. I used this method of thinking in my English classes, it works, not the greatest idea though. Do you think the world will still be here after my anxiety attack? Right now my on personal mental state might say no, because of the anxiety of losing you my reader, nothing else.
What informed this decision in my mind to like my Autism and hyper focus on the understanding that the world is still here comes from Hasan Minaj. Well not him exactly, more like his show, Patriot Act. There was a show he did about the Chinese government and censorship. A woman on that show explained that she does not care about the surveillance, so long as she is doing nothing wrong, they can do nothing. I thought that was absurd, but that is what informs my decision right now.
It informs my decision because what would happen if we woke up tomorrow and Trump decided he was a fascist dictator? The world would still be here. What if those protestors were driven back and the Government introduced Marshall law? We would still be here, at the least for a little while.
What if’s stopped mattering as I started to go through the checklist and realize that nothing will change for me in my life at this moment in time unless I decided it changes. No matter what is “wrong” in the world, concerted effort will change it, me, sitting in my house terrified of everyday? That’ll just keep everything the same.
My mothers message to me and my response to her was very well timed as well. She contacted me about a bible verse that helped her, and ironically it is the type of processing that would be used to even be able to create solace in your own thoughts. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
So in conclusion. Why do I like my Autism today? Because tomorrow I’m going to wake up Autistic, and the world is going to be here. I will still have my girlfriend, that absolutely amazing person that she is on a daily basis. Yet the World no matter what I do, will still be here, and maybe it’ll be a little bit less fucked than it is right now, or maybe not. That is up to everyone, even me, but not just me.