Just as I get to the point that I can write consistently my therapists office tells me they are shutting down until May 1st. So I sit and belly ache and pray that I’m doing okay. Come to find out it’s an important period of time, but not for the same reasons as the last time I was in this mess.
My ears hurt today. I thought it was just a call with children that were loud that caused this pain. Come to find out that was just the tip of the iceberg that became the door of a wider self-awareness than I was allowing myself to dive into before that moment. When I started to realized the amount of pain that I was putting myself through just listening to others speak, that is when I knew there was a problem, I realized this on Monday.
Now because I am Autistic I cannot deal with emotions the same was as neurotypical, I obsess over things, I gravitate towards logic before I deal with emotion. I cannot deal with these things the same way as everyone else, and my mental blocks are more like a fine sheet of paper mache, before it has dried. The moment that information resonates with a potential logical issue I have been attempting to understand it becomes a bigger problem than I can allow to continue.
I also take a large portion of my time to explain myself and my actions in such detail that it becomes almost story like, I can imagine this would be a good party trick, or even career field like the one psychologists are telling you that they want to practice when conducting therapy.
So Here I am, with ear pain, as a gifted autistic obsession based hyper aware person, and everything starts coming to me, from the first day that this ever happened to the impact on my quality of life. I sit in the living room, shoulders almost held to my ears because of the pain. I don’t play video games with sound on, I have to listen to specific music, at specific volumes or it hurts. This connects more dots, I cannot function like this, but I have for years. I have consistently throughout my life attempted to shield myself from the pain, and never realized it because I was conditioned to think that life just sucks and is painful.
Yet here I am today, sitting in a room by myself, praying that I can find a way to take away the noise. Even with a headset on I cannot cancel out the noise.
I know that people with Autism are difficult to deal with, and I know that the 99% are not hyper self-aware, I’ve seen the looks on professionals faces when meeting me, and I walk them through the steps of communication and almost quote their text books but I’ve never read their textbooks. I have faith that this information is important, that is why I share it now, so don’t look at my writing as a detriment, use my experiences, take the moment to look at the autistic person in your life, or yourself, and find out if you suffer the same complications or similar issues.
Thank again soon.