Words of Anxious Confusion

Anxiety as a paralyzing fear is something that I am starting to understand in my everyday life. Why does that matter? Well because being Autistic and Hyper Self Aware, has created many issues that turn the paralyzing fear of anxiety into weeklong journeys. Now if this was something that looked and felt the same each time I could move past it, but it is not, especially when it comes to the process of what triggers the event. I imagine this is what is considered a breakdown of executive functioning and disassociation, because that is what has been expressed to me that it is by therapists, and other professionals in the “Autism Business” probably the best way I can express it.

If I haven’t completely lost you that is good. Though even if I have I want to take a few moments and explain what it is I am talking about at a more detailed length. If we take the Fight, Flight, or Freeze reactions, and we look at them through the scope of a neurotypical person, a traumatic experience can have a myriad of reactions. I am not immune to any of those actions, I have had to deal with avoidance, outbursts, lashing out, misplaced anger, and PTSD triggered disassociation. These things are typical for an individual with PTSD or trauma induced mental health problems. Usually a good year of therapy can help to start notice the issues and move past them by using survival, and coping techniques in a different way. The idea is to be more mindful when you are dealing with those symptoms. I’m not the neurotypical, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Now I want to clarify something. I clarify this because of my own trauma, this is a PTSD reaction, but I am going to offer it as a behind the scene’s narrative. I do not have accreditation. I do not have a degree that helps me further this knowledge, and I do not expect to use my knowledge at this moment in time to move any narrative forward. I have learned these things through study of myself and what is happening with me. I expressed my own internal processing to multiple different therapists, and it wasn’t until I started seeing jaws drop that I knew something was wrong.

I started a new paragraph here not for grammar but because these idea’s need to be separated. Why share that thought? Well because it gives you a glimpse into my decision making. What was wrong with seeing jaw’s drop? Well my girlfriend for the last two years had been telling me that I was highly intelligent and that it was just waiting to be recognized. Her way of telling me that to express to me how much of a genius I was, I scoffed at this idea’s because I was always the salesman that just did his job and went home, at least in my brain I was.  This wasn’t true though, I was the manager, it was my own personal issues that cared this idea that I was a non-pivotal replaceable piece. Most managers can be replaced in twenty maybe thirty minutes of training a day over the course of a year. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that the training actually hindered my performance, because I was so good at looking for the efficiency. My girlfriends words always fell on deaf ears during this time. So the shock I seen in the eyes of a therapist confused me, then it happened again, and when I started to become comfortable, I scared people. That was when I realized there was a bigger issue at hand. I could not run from it anymore, I had to accept that I was gifted, even if I did not understand it. Too many were saying it and I was being a fool to continue to thing I could ignore it. Quite a problem for a mentally retarded child that would never be able to take care of their own household eh? I use those words because that was what I was told I was, that is what I was sold on throughout my entire teenage years, and that is what was used to take the cash from my bank account and use it to pay for a house and other such things to keep a household running, long before I ever understood what was going on.

That was where my first anxiety came from, and as long as I keep the process of understanding anxiety in a logically realm, and can remove myself from the emotion I can make progress. That is impossible though, so I will have to do as I did with the intelligence, and face the emotion.

I guess I did have something to write about right? I think it’s time I face facts, I like to write a lot more than blog posts. I have such detail that I want to put into my words. I have a question for my readers. If I put snippets of my day up, instead of overwhelmingly important posts about concepts, and instead put those concepts into E-Books, do you feel you would read it? I cannot say it would be free, but for the first probably three, they would be free.

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