Preface: I am autistic, I use generalizations for things that are normal for me to be discussing. I also am hyper self-aware, and at this moment in time we suspect I am a prodigious savant. Why the Preface? Because you will hear me use the royal form of words, also known as generalizations, pronouns like “You”, I am not talking about you, sitting in the seat reading this, I am talking about society. Can I change my words? Sure. Does that make me feel comfortable when writing? No. In light of that I will write as I speak, and the way I think. If clarification is needed, please comment and ask questions.
This is my third week outside of therapy, my life has started to breakdown, and I knew this was going to happen. I turned off the blue light filter on my phone, that means the melatonin production that I use to get to sleep has dwindled, I messed up my own schedule. Here are the questions I ask myself to figure out what is going on.
- Is it a build up of emotional stress that caused me to make a self-destructive decision?
- Am I Angry?
- Am I in the process of self-harming and can I break it?
- Am I supposed to feel like I’ve done something wrong?
- What have I done to deserve this problem in my life?
- What if it never goes away?
- What level of stress triggers this event?
- Can I ever do anything if I cannot control something at simple as my sleep schedule?
- What did I do to deserve these issues in my life?
- Am I good enough to process the emotion, maybe that is what is keeping me from the problem?
If you become despaired just reading those questions, you are not alone, I subject myself to this type of habitual trauma daily. I hate this type of trauma, yet I do it. What that means is that I am in the process of continuing the cycle of this treatment though. At its core I am abusing myself in the attempt to deal with a problem as simple as turning back on a black light filter. So why do I say that you need this post? Because I chose to make a different decision this time. That different decision is this writing. I am going to confront my own inner processing, right now, because I do not want to be awake until 7am.
Here is the real secret though, I’m still going to be up later than I want to be, I am still going to fail in this process, I am still going to create more problems than I solve, but this one issue tonight, I made a decision that is different, and through that decision I can make another, and another, and another, until I’ve made a run on sentence that is read by others, yet is inspirational in it’s design.
To me making a different decision that meshes with my personal comfort has been a pivotal part of my personal journey. I am not perfect, I will never be, and that is okay, because perfection is not okay. I have found a comfort in someone else’s perfection my entire life, and that is all it has ever been someone else’s perfection. Does an autistic person traditionally sit here and attempt to figure these things out? I doubt it, I doubt a regular individual looks at their life and takes this much stock that I have at three thirty in the morning. Yet the idea of being perfect has entered every individual mind on this planet at some point in time, that is not a question that needs to be referenced or even questioned.
Yet again I will answer this question? Why did I say you need this? Because if I can make a different choice, after living in my own trauma, no matter if it is self-induced or induced by lifelong conditioning from abuse I was subjected to, you have the choice to do the same and make that different choice. It will be difficult, it will be a fight, you will hate the feeling, you may even want to run away, hell at time I do. The real test is when running away are you running away forever to just get away, or just running away because RIGHT now, at THIS moment, you cannot deal with what is going on. Make your run, the second choice.