So today is another Math day, and I have decided to get my processing out in the morning because I have a lot to do! It is 9AM here and sitting at my desk to do my Math right? When suddenly my Traumatic conditioning becomes a part of my morning again, the paranoia comes first, then the cognitive dissonances and emotional distress that I did not even realize was there. Minutes ago I was in the car, driving my girlfriend to work, joking about life and singing songs with her as she goes to work eight hours. What happened? What can possibly explain the drastic change in my mindset from just a few moments ago? Truthfully even I do not know that, which is why I write this blog post.
I make guesses, I attempt to analyze and explain what I feel, how I came to the conclusions that make me feel what I am saying. I even use those analysis techniques I use to communicate, to write this blog right now. I have paused multiple times to see if what I am saying is the most important aspect of what I want to communicate, or if it just detracts from the actual topic. All of these things have been conditioned into me as I communicate, through well if I am being completely honest, a type of abuse I never seen as abuse. There are positive ways to express and condition a child to believe the things that I do, in a way that does not induce a level of anxiety and a borderline PTSD level of terror but I used this way of communicating and survival mechanisms to just survive. External abuse turns into Internal abuse when dealing with a child. I only have to turn to my own mind to know that to be the truth.
Ironically or not so ironic I guess, as I was writing this I had to lose myself in my mobile games for about thirty minutes in an attempt to process what I was writing. It seems very telling to me that I keep writing about the need to process things. One would think that I had a mental defect if you read my writing and thought that I wouldn’t blame you as I read it back I could easily find that peppered into my writing. Yet I am not “slow” as I cannot find another word for it. Another affect of the trauma is the difference in processing emotion and cognitive thought, a conditioned aspect that I created according to my therapist.
To explain the above, this morning I spent time looking over the last message I sent my father, who recently died. I was angry at him for lying to me about his mental state, and his health, I told him that before he dies I will tell him the truth about how I feel, and what I need to say will be heard because he does not need to die, he can be around for the next twenty to twenty five years, or he can die in six months. This was three weeks before he took the turn for the worse that ended up killing him. All because he would not swallow his pride and allow the doctors to take a saw to his legs. Had I of been in the same position, I would have chopped the legs off and chalked it up to being stupid with my health, I am not my father though. I can make the decisions to change my life, yet I still fight everyday against that trauma, even the action of his long term suicide caused me to be traumatized and be unable to deal with life in the same way I have in the past. I sat on a couch, played Borderlands 2, and will do that later today after I get done with my math homework. Outside of those times that are needed for my processing of everyday life, I have made changes, but the trauma still weighs heavily on me, I am paranoid and it is not something that I can question anymore, it is the truth. If I am by myself for more than two hours and there is someone in my home, I need to reach out to them, but if I am focused on doing something I worry about what the opinion of the others in my home, even if I expressed that I MUST do the work that I am doing.
Why is all this important? Well, I took thirty minutes in the middle of writing this to process the emotional feeling of the comments above, so for me it is important because I have to face my head, I have to face the fact that I am paranoid, I have to face the fact that I am depressed, tired, and anxious that I am not enough everyday. That is me though, why is this important to you? Because you relate, you may not relate to everything I say, but as these words are dancing up and down on the screen as you scroll through, so do they dance in your head, because everyone has these problems. No one can be positive one hundred percent of the time, even if overtly you act in a way that is positive for everyone around you. So relate, relax, take solus in my moment of processing that creates a weakness that weakness can be important to building strength.
Now that I have expressed myself, and my ideas for this morning, I can go do my math homework. As time goes on, I can do more, but this is the most important part for me, I can tell myself that all that matters today is what I put on this page, so if it is my Math homework, Laundry, another blog post, or whatever it may be, I am conditioning myself to fight against the trauma of the child who got yelled at for everything, beat for nothing, and only wanted to be loved.
You reading this, you are loved, maybe not in the way you want to be, so either revaluate the situation you live within, or take stock of the love you have. You are not your demons. If I can battle the paranoia that makes me terrorized to have my back to a door, almost tore my relationship apart, and makes me lash out when there is too much going on, you can fight your fight. Find help, I fight on my own a lot more than I ever had to or will have to in the future, and that is my traumatic conditioning. Though I will deal with it, I will find the song that induces the feeling I will process it, and I will grow. You do the same, and have a good day. Thank you for being here to read my words.