500 words to… Change

Oh my, it is a blog post. After almost a month or more away, and the day before Thanksgiving? What has happened to me, I might have to check myself into the professional help center here in town.

So recently I began a new therapy process, something that I expected to take years to ever really make an impact on my life. Then my father goes and dies, just like up and decides that his long form suicide has met the end that he likes.

Long form suicide though I think that is the thing I would like to focus on today in relation to change. If you are not actively trying to change your life for the better, and putting the work in to get that dopamine fix or lack their off that allows you to function. Are you even living? Take a look at the last five years of your life, hell lets make this even easier, take a look at the last six months of your life, are your days constructive? Have you put any work into you that makes it easier to get up in the morning? How about for your significant other, or family, or friends? Have you put the work in to make your life better for yourself, and them?

This might seem like a stark contrast to the things I’ve wrote in the past but that is because I cannot stress properly the amount of work that has gone into me in the last few weeks, and if I told you I wasn’t tired, I would be lying, not only to you but to myself. My father’s death was only the tip of the ice berg, and that ice berg for me, at this moment, has no end in sight. I have to face the facts of the person that I am, I’m autistic, I am most likely disabled by the definition of your society, and the way that I was raised, is not anything but a trauma inducing mess that I cannot get out of, the only place I have any form of confidence anymore is in a closed room, or in front of my computer WITH a headset on Outside of these place I am a mess that cannot function worries about everything and everyone from the littlest bit of hair out of place, to the concern that I looked at someone wrong, social norms are almost physically painful to me and I am unable to properly understand why they matter to any single person on this planet.

That is the iceberg I’m on now, I found it after my father decided it was time to check out, and it has stuck with me every day, only getting worse every day. I cannot express though how liberating it is to finally realize that I have problems that are mine, and not anyone else’s, while others may share similar issues, I am not normal, I am the exception, and I am willing to deal with me. It is everyone else that I cannot stand at times. So I will change who I want to be over the course of my life, and with this new perception I can become a better person, though for awhile I will have to break, and live inside of my trauma, because that is how it works, I have to accept the reality that I live in, and move on from it, on my time, even if I do not like my time.

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