I took awhile to write this blog. Not as long as it has taken me to write other blogs but this one seemed to take on a life of its own a few times, making me have to reign it back in each time with the delete button, was a sad site each time, but it was a better fate than the opposite.
If I told you how many times, I wrote that opening only to delete it, well then you would know how many times I wrote it, not the greatest premise for a topic it seems.
Did I communicate properly in the lines above? I might have deleted my previous topic again due to it taking another life of its own. I wonder if I write this so many times that I can get to five hundred words of me just doing the same process and trying to start over but putting it into words for the reader to actually understand how many times I restart these blogs. That would end up being thousands of words though I doubt anyone would want to read me just starting the blog over and over and over, no matter how complex it would be to go through my thought process as I write these blogs, that would never be entertaining would it?
Communication has always been difficult for me because of many reasons that I have put into blogs in the past, but what benefits has it given me? I have a level of self-awareness and access to my own cognitive functioning on a level that cannot be underestimated. I also have been able to fight for a process of communication that does not exist for most people. I do not have a degree yet, or an amount of time mastering something that is tangible, so I am not seen as a respectable human being when I open my mouth. I have perceived people’s reaction to be that of an arrogant know it all lecturing someone randomly on the street, and when asking if that is someone’s reaction, I get back that it is their reaction.
How can I be talking about benefits if I am talking about the things that drag me down though? That is an amazing question that I just had the audience that does not exist ask in my head so I could clarify in this blog. Answering that question, I would have to retort with the question, “Can you see how you affect the world in real time?”. Most of the people I have asked that question have said no, that is my benefit, I can perceive the miniscule details that allow me to adjust my behavior like a science experience. Yet I have been conditioned to believe that this is a lie, false, I am stupid, and unable to properly understand the reality by which I live in.
I am not going to go back into why I have been conditioned to believe these things, maybe someday I will put out a book about my life pre-2019 but for now let us just say that this is my life. So, while being aware of all these things I am uncomfortable, autistic, anxious, and too self-aware not to realize all these things are going on at the same time. Now can you communicate in that situation? Me neither they are overwhelming for me and I become paralyzed.
Decision Paralysis is what people have labeled it, but we shall elaborate more on that later. If you haven’t make sure you check out my previous blog, “500 words to… Blank on” about my history class.
Finally thank you for being here, if you are new here thank you for stopping by and reading my words. Remember as always you are not your demons, I am not my demons, we can all change. If my words impressed upon you and you wish to share them with you friends, please do so!
See you all again soon.