Shame and Self-Reflection pt. 2

This time I hope I stay a little bit more on topic, or it is just best to have a personal view before giving a board overview? We shall see in the next few minutes of course. Shame influences your self-reflection; I can say this because I have experienced such issues. The emotion of shame becomes permeated throughout your entire life, you can even become numb to such an emotion like shame. This happens similarly with anxiety and other such emotions that are toxic, but shame can be a precursor to them all as I have seen.

When taking other emotions like anxiety, or depression of any form, you can always find a reason for these things even it cannot be spoken. I personally look at emotions and the mind as a ball of yarn or a bale of hair tied together over the course of many years, and I use this same idea when addressing these emotions. Take anxiety as an example, it is the one emotional state that I have created survival mechanisms around. Yet where did anxiety show up for the first time? If we look at the first appearance of emotional states like anxiety a pattern can be researched if enough information is known about the reason that the anxiety was utilized by the body.

I did not have any understanding of my inability to communicate the thoughts in my head when I was born. I also did not have an understanding that I was predisposed to pick things apart in a manner that would make people jealous of me, creating an ostracization from society throughout my life. On the other hand, every child that was ostracizing me did not learn to from birth, and none of them at birth considered my form of communication to be wrong. Babies are not born with hate, or shame, or anxiety, babies are born with the instinct to suckle, grab things, and cry, in other words basic survival. Yet these children no matter their color, gender, or intelligence all ostracized me, why? Well if we look at my parenting, and their parenting, we may find the clue.

From the day I was born I was taught to hate myself, I was taught at a young age that if it took more than a few seconds to get my thoughts out of my head I was taking up too much time of the person around me. This also included the ability for those thoughts to be coherent. Neither of these things I could do at any early age, hell I even have a problem doing it now for a blog that I can rewrite if I wish a thousand times over. All of these things brought shame to me, I was told it was wrong to be me, and I believed that, I had no inner dialog to said that was not the case, so I must believe it. How this effects the children and their parents might even be more genius though.

Ever walk past someone in the grocery store that you know, they turn their gaze away from you, and you suddenly feel ashamed for standing at the spot you are right now? In their effort to get out of this uncomfortable situation you push your feet to walk faster and get away from them as fast as possible, even if you are friends? Happened to me yesterday, also happened to me two weeks ago when I seen a teacher of mine. This happens to me so frequently because of the person that I am, it has become natural for me to expect to never communicate with a person, and to believe that I am the one in the wrong for communicating with anyone outside of specific settings, well there goes being friends with anyone. Yet that can only be learned over a long course of time, you cannot teach a dog to be shameful of its actions unless you punish them repeatedly, such is true for a human being, well such has happened to me and now we find ourselves at the thread that form the ball of yarn.

I believe both the grocery store metaphor and the ball of yarn being tangled up with one single emotion connecting it all are connected because of what both represent, but it is bigger than that in my head. See I hate being an overly intense person, but my life is intense, it all connects. I live in a world that must always have pieces of a puzzle found, because that is what life is one big puzzle. Sometimes that puzzle is amazing and the person wants to connect it all, or sometimes a traumatic event makes the entire puzzle look like shit, so it is sectioned off onto another table so far away that it cannot be recognized anymore. I searched for me, because the person I am never wanted to be left behind, and when I found that person, I found that I was wrong for being me, so I ran away. I did what the world did to me, I was not old enough to even know better yet, because I was too young. Yet I welcomed that ostracization and because of my dissociation attracted the people around me to those actions. That sentence I feel makes more sense if we take a few moments to explain it.

When presented with someone who has been taught to be beaten, it can be found that the first inclination in the mind is to berate them, attack them, or even beat them. This is a subliminal messaging that the mind is infected with because we are still animals, prey is prey, predator is predator. Yet neither are healthy to a conscious. Being both predator and prey is considered to be assertive in my eyes. I believe that it must be such as people respect an individual that is assertive and listen with such intensity that it cannot be rebuked that they are the most important person in that room. Yet that person must believe that first before it can be manifested. To explain properly, if because of my parentage I believed that I was wrong for even existing, the people around me would make that a reality for me because I wanted it to be.

So much more can be said on this topic, but I will be getting into heavier aspects of it later, and my own perspective will be discussed as well. For now, I will say this, if you believe something in your heart, it is reality. Your emotional understanding of the world is real, your mind makes it real. If you want to change your mind or emotional state you must first fight to believe it differently. We are all animals, animals can be trained. Human beings are all super heroes though, because human beings can train themselves, and expand their own minds.

Thank you for reading this, even if you just read the tag line to find out if this is interesting to you. As always if you’re here reading these words, you have the fight to be comfortable in your own life. If my words can be of assistance use them as you will. I believe that we can all find a place of comfort, and I will forever believe that you are not your demons, have a good day.

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