Shame and Self-Reflection

This turned out to be a little bit more rant, and less information, so enjoy I will update a proper understanding of Shame and Self-Reflection soon.

Today I am sitting with two-word documents open on my computer, in a panicked anxious and nervous emotional state because it has been days since I have taken the time and forced myself to write. Yet I was thinking about writing this entire time, and it has even been at the forefront of my mind, I have even made time for it frequently. Ultimately, I will become distracted by a title list of blogs I wish to write on the other word document and suddenly I will start freaking out again. This has become a major part of my life the use of that anxiety has allowed me to produce the best product of my life every single time I complete a project. Anxiety is my survival mechanism that allows me to act normal. It even allows me to self-reflect, an example would be the sentence I just deleted to write this one, I am now concerned it reads better than this, it doesn’t, but I can be conflicted on it until I hit the period, or even beyond. This anxiety helps me focus, teaches me what other people expect before they expect it, and helps me be creative with a logical mind. I think faster with this anxiety, I become a better person with this drug, so now why it is such a big deal and a large part of this entire website? Well now that is even more complex.

Notice that none of the above focuses on WHY I feel the way I feel, or why I self-reflect in the moment to create the anxiety. The above paragraph only details my survival mechanism that allows me to act normal. Neurotypical is the phrase I am recently learned it to be, I can now state that I am not Neurotypical, and suddenly I feel like a vegan yelling at someone with a burger. I do not want to be that person so am I to stop using the word? Such questions must be asked to find my own comfort, but when coming from my own mind what do they do? I find them to similar to telling myself “No” like you would a dog who is asking for something. Your efforts with the dog may be intended to help, but over time if you do not offer validation for a proper act that dog will just listen to you or avoid the action altogether. That is how Neurotypical people think of my inner dialogue how can I be discussing these things with myself in such a rapid pace. While all of this is important that is for another blog, I will just leave it at Autism for right now.

I am terrified to admit that I was raised to be normal at all costs. Those costs ended up being my mind, my mind decided it was in pain, so my body started to take the load. I ended up working myself to death, and now I am here after three years of therapy suddenly in a better place, because I needed to change my life.  It is amazing that I was able to change my life, and the work is far from done. Yet right now I am watching others doing the exact same thing to their children, or I am watching society attempt to push me and others likes me away because I am different. See I am terrifying, I already felt shame for myself, but because I can think quick logically and cannot allow emotion to cloud my judgement, I am the bad guy. Empathy was the thing I needed, I did not receive it, I received the anger of being different this was created my personality, so I guess I made the best of it. I can now fight without ever needing to raise a fist, the sad part is I can now fight myself while fighting someone else’s opinion, and still have their best interest in mind. I am angry because that anxiety tool was conditioned into me when I was a child by parents who hated me and decided I would live for their needs. I must fight against that every day, in every conversation, and because of my condition, I cannot give in on that fight once, or it becomes part of me, but I had already given once before as a child.

These problems can be addressed for me, and solutions can be derived because of my willpower. I am not the normal person, I am not the normal autistic, and because of that I implore every single one of you that reads this to never take your personal perception of the world for granted. I hate the things I see daily, I hurt when I see the things that make up our current society. I will not stand for it anymore, and I cannot be asked to “understand” someone’s position who cannot give me the time of day to be intrigued enough and listen to mine. I wish that would be the way everyone walked through the world, it is not, and will never be as we humans are Animals. I cannot have this view point every day, and some days will be worse than others, but if my base line becomes a mirror image of this blog, I will accept every day as a positive progression towards my goals.

Shame inflicted more pain on me than any concussion, broken bone, or infection ever could, and it was internal, my own mind tried to kill me. I never attempted suicide, I never tried to find a way to harm myself, I never needed one, I had every word from the people around me. Do not let this happen to you, your family members, or anyone around you that seems down in any way.

Thank you for reading my rant, see you soon. As always be good to yourself, you are not your demons, you are not worthless, and if you need help find a professional, do not allow them to look past you. Your fight is as important as anyone else’s.

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