I can tell you facts, I can tell you frustration, I can tell you about a book, I can report on a study, and I can do all of these things in a matter of fact way that allows you to trust my words as studied and compiled to give the best comprehensive understanding of the topic. This type of communication works great for anything logic based, or emotionally influenced but logically based. It breaks down when attempting to talk about perception and its influence on daily life. When it comes to my own inner truths and beliefs, I take this a step even further, be it due to trauma or difficulties with conditions of my own head I do not know, and honestly, I do not care. See that is the important part, I do not care about why it is the way it is, I have almost thirty three years under my belt trying to figure it out, and nothing has worked, it must just be the way I am wired right? Magnify that uncertainty by a thousand and you will find my everyday stance on being able to express my words, this includes the desire to not express myself encase I will come off in a way that was no intended.
Words, body language, voice inflection, intention, all these things make up communication. I cannot stand the fact that I cannot control them in my own mind. I cannot translate my expression of exhaustion into words, I cannot express my frustration into words, and I if I do find the words, I must also find the body language, the intended action, and the ability to use my voice properly to convey these things. Throughout my life I have been told its anxiety, or depression, hell maybe it is a personality disorder. All of these things make me feel like I’m outside of my own head and feel wrong. Even now, word is telling me that I am unclear on my statements because of the words I am using, huge brown bars under sentences.
All of these things give me the self confidence of Eeyore, or for a different audience, I am similar to the kid that sits in the corner and cries because he can’t tell anyone what’s going on in his head. This kid can write it, hell he can even sing, but speaking clearly is impossible. How does one find the ability to communicate in the spoken word without being able to express the emotions that are almost written on the face of that individual? I have done it through suppression of impulsive reflex. Now I can sit in a room, being an anxiety attack, and I can die on the inside, while looking like I am the life of the party. Social settings give me a headache, raise my blood pressure, and make me want to commit myself to an empty room. This is the same when dealing with an overbearing person, why though?
I will explore this more going forward, hopefully for now the contextual place for my self confidence has been expressed properly. I will leave you with this thought, I have physical pain when praised, and pleasure when criticized, I cannot find the disconnect, no matter how hard I look. I feel a terror when stepping onto a stage, yet I cannot get enough of it, and I cannot believe in myself, yet I love the person I am, this duality is the self-awareness of someone whose traumatized sure, but there’s more, always more.
If you took the time to read this, thank you. Even if you only took time to skim it and read the few lines at the bottom thank you. I hope everything that can, and anything that you relate to here inspires you to keep going in your everyday life, it is not worth it to give up, you are not your inner demons, and never allow yourself to be the person they make you feel like you are. As always keep your head up, find your help, and love yourself.