Longer Blog: Unfinished Expression

It is a funny thing having projects unfinished. This could be any project from writing projects to two tall trees outside of my house that have not been trimmed since last year. I consider myself to have a specific type of unfinished project that I never expected to be discussing openly. Well as openly as this blog can be that is. Unfinished Expression is my unfinished project, this might seem presumptuous and petty, but I bet you can be sold on the fact that it is far from either adjective easily. Maybe that means it is not either, or maybe it means that my way of justifying things is too good even for my own head, I think the real question is, if I can justify it and sell someone else on it, maybe it’s worth addressing? Let’s tackle my understanding of the differences in three steps.

I would like to begin by explaining what I mean by unfinished expression. I have been stuck on this idea of every human being having a type of struggle. As you can see this has permeated into my everyday life in a way I did not expect, as I have a blog about it. I never thought about it in any way because at one point in my life I was so depressed that not only was emotional expression a grueling task but also a fear filled traumatic event because I was unable to know if what I was saying was right. This left me agreeing to everything and anything I could ever find to agree to, especially when I found out it was more important to be right than be expressive in the work environment. I worked sales and management for sales floors, this was easily a train wreck as I imagine some of you are running ahead of me already. Leaving a lot to be desired was the middle ground of how I felt about being right, or how I felt about being wrong. Never to be addressed yet this was my life for so many years. Being a person that can strive in most places with a heavily traumatic past, I decided it was best to just tow the company line, at work, and in my personal life.

Step two of this process is suppose to be a process of selling you on why this is such an important way of dealing with things for me, and why it’s so different for me specifically than other human beings, remember everyone goes through some shit in their lives right? Well I feel like that can be done in an effortless phrase, take yourself and decide if it matters if you are every other human being and should be treated as such. To me that sounds stupid, and while it is a great sentiment for systemic things like gender, race, age, AND IS A DISCUSSION THAT MUST BE HAD IN THIS ANY COUNTRY. I cannot stand by and tell someone else that they should not be treated specific to their needs and wants when discussing their mind, I don’t know if their trauma impacted them in a way that orange peels would negatively affect that person and cause them to go into a PTSD moment attempting to stab the orange. I do know that the moment that person is able to be calmed down they must be dealt with accordingly depending upon their actions while in their broken-down state. What about those people that want to stop from every getting to that broken-down state? That is what always sells me on the idea that it is right for me to be comfortable in my way of expressing something, which is a new idea for me. It is completely understandable that people who do not wish to be a benefit to society and wish to take from it in a toxic destructive manner must be dealt with as such, not everyone is such a person though, and mental illness is real.

I want to conclude with the reason this is so important to me. I am a human being that does not like formalities. I was assessed in the mentally retarded level of human beings when I was young, or at least that is what I can surmise my mother decided it was a bad idea to express to me the test actual number. She tells me it is because I could not sit still, and that was a factor that lowered my IQ for the assessment. Fancy thing those assessments though because as time has gone on, after a life of traumatic experiences that include being reminded of this “retardation” for years, we find out that I am on the extreme of the IQ scale. The extreme that I am talking about, I do not know if I have brought it up before, but it has been explained to me as a level that is above that of most human beings. I want to offer a disclaimer as I am not stating this because I want to say “Look at me I’m so smart”, on the contrary I want to express why it’s important to deal with every individual in the best way for them. Had I of not had my own standard of therapy and searched for comfort in my life, I would have walked through my entire life thinking I was retarded, and this was just part of my life. Unfinished Expression brought me to this place, an unfinished project that I was unable to entertain yet was an important part of my life.

Looking back on these issues and this idea of Unfinished Expression as I call it, I will write a blog detailing more in the future, I feel this has run on a little long as my ticker hits one thousand words.

Remember though, if you have the desire to sit down and read those one thousand words, if you have the desire to read nothing but this line, and use it to find your own path to comfort, you are on the right path. I cannot tell you how to do it, I cannot do it for you, but I can hope that my story gives you the ambition and desire to take the story I tell you, and find your standard for this world to live by that gives you the acceptance that you desire. Your inner demons are not you, do not let them be.

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