I have a desire to find the best way to express myself, and I feel like I am in a race to find the best way. The reason that I have this desire is because I have an intuitive feeling that my father will be dying soon. The reason this is important is because I have made rather significant life choices at times that make me feel different depending on the amount of time I get away from them, and the perception of the life that I have lived since the moment that I made difficult choices.
The best way to explain is that I took my childhood and ended up raising myself after being abused as a child. This abuse is comprehensive in nature and not something that can be just “Ignored” but I did that. I was twelve when I made my first life changing decision after having enough of the abusive nature of my household, I was also being manipulated by the parent that “guided” me to make the decision that I made. Mind you this was again at the age of twelve, I had shown signs of the abuse in the home and was in therapy for this abuse. This was explained to me to be wrong, because therapy was not for people with no problems, I was also taking medications that just stopped at some point in my life. As healthy decisions go this was not one of them. My father was the one who made these decisions while telling me I did the right thing. I have heard of pipe dreams in the past, but now that I think about it this one takes the cake as stupid.
Why this matters though is because now I am getting the help I need, this needed help has brought me to a place that I can understand these things. I am beginning to have a desire to express myself above living for the people that are around me. Martyrdom has become a lifestyle for me, and as we’ve picked apart my head in a therapeutic setting I’ve made minor but significant changes to not allow that Martyrdom to be my life. That brings us to today what do I do now, I must find a way to express my exasperation while not giving into a Martyrdom complex that allows me to not be analytical. Emotional expression is something that I was never given the freedom to do, be it through music, art, comedy, hell even through language like I am using in this blog right now. I was told that these things are wrong and incompatible with my life because I was not smart, or creative, yet I could do anything I ever wanted to do in my life, a paradox that consumed my life.
Having this desire makes life difficult and more complex than I’ve ever felt it to be in the past. How do you mix the analytical mind of a man whose always been told he’s the idiot in the room, with the mindset of a man whose analytical and able to appreciate and imitate with ease the expressional art of others, yet never built the tools to express himself? That train wreck is my life right now. It does not help that I am potentially autistic and highly intelligent, while also being self-aware enough to notice my needs and also throw them aside for any perceived need of another person.
I hope this makes sense to anyone who reads it. Remember as always if you have the power to read, the ability to listen, and the desire to get past your own demons, you’re doing a damn sight better than most, don’t give up, don’t give in, and I’ll see you next time.