I do not dream of presenting this as a beautiful approach to the inner workings of my mind. If I did that, I would be victimizing myself and creating a villain out of my own head. I have such a powerful desire to move myself away from that type of communication that I cannot call this art. Art as a form of an expression is filled with emotional inputs that give it a weight in many ways that cannot be found in other forms of expression.
Pain expressed through art be it poetry or lyrically through music is something that I have considered this to be akin to and I wish to help my own mind understand that this is not my goal. I don’t know what I want that goal to be, but art? Hell no I do not wish to find a way to express my pain in a way that displays it beautifully for the world to see. I do want to better understand my own pain helping me move past it in a way that can be displayed beautifully if it done in a way that allows it to be perceived as such.
The duality of that sentence not lost on me, seeing as this can be an art form, I do not wish for it to be my perfect rendition of my life, and if it is gritty, uncomfortable, disgusting, or beautiful, I am not looking for any of those things to be the goal. In the perceptional world that I currently inhabit a goal cannot be attained without knowing the ending and working backward to find the solution, thus visualizing the issue of my “goal” with my project may help with my consistency and a post may happen more than every two weeks.
So what is my goal at this moment? Let’s see I want to find a way to express myself in 100 to 500 words a day in a way that gets the shit out of my head and onto a paper, or a text format that can be read back to me in an attempt to start understanding it. If this becomes that, and it helps others along the way maybe it’ll be important, if it doesn’t I cannot be held to that expectation as I was not putting that as my goal for this project.
Even saying things like this to myself in my head gives me a type of anxiety while typing. So stick around for more I promise you’ll find this ride to be entertaining, even if just a little disturbed.